I am blessed to know some of the funniest people on the planet. Many thanks to Leigh Rubin for his permission to post his cartoon here (please do not illegally reprint - ask him yourself. He's a nice guy!).
Another funny guy I know is my pal Gary (who shall be last nameless). He works in Public Radio in a sparsely populated State and has razor-sharp wit. His down-home humor and occasional cussword make him a fresh read.
I promised not to mention last names so as to protect the hilarious. Nonetheless, he has allowed me to post his faux family holiday newsletter in which nothing is true, yet incredibly funny. If you've ever received one of those over-the-top-aren't-we-all-glamorous-and-perfect-while-you-are-not holiday letters, this one's for you. He writes these every year and sends them to his relatives. They storm their mailboxes the last week before Christmas just to be the first to read it (okay, so I made that up, but it's quite the visual!). And when you write your own holiday letter, remember: Rudolph is listening!
Introducing a new genre: the satirical holiday newsletter!
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Christmastime, 2008
Dear Families,
Another year has almost slipped by, a joyous holiday season is here—and there’s not a better time to look at the year and the good fortune it has brought to all of us.
After years of planning and a careful bid process, Our Mother has finally built her long-anticipated addition to her home. The construction has nearly doubled the size of her house, and includes three screened-in porches, a game room and an Olympic-sized pool. When asked how the financing came about for the project, Our Mother lit another cigarette and laughed her throaty laugh. “Nothing to it,” she said. “You just go to the phone book, call different numbers just after school, and when a kid answers, you say, ‘Listen, Honey, it’s Grandma; I’m in a jam down here at the casino, and I need you to go to Mommy’s purse and take out all the green pieces of paper you find and send them to me.’ They get some quality family time, I get my house re-done—everybody wins!”
A shaky peace has settled once again at Mike and Kathy’s home in Nebraska, after a year largely spent in damage control. The couple’s two bewildered daughters, Christine and Sarah, have apparently fueled an Internet rumor on Facebook and MySpace, which reads: “On Friday and Saturday nights, our mother puts on tights, white vinyl boots and a red cape, and runs through the streets of Beatrice fighting crime.” Asked for his reaction to this news, their father says, “It’s hard to argue with the approach; crime on Friday and Saturday nights in Beatrice is down 40 percent.” Their son, Mike, stays above the fray, serving his country in the U.S. Marine Corps, while youngest daughter Erin lives in Wisconsin and tours the County Fair circuit, signing autographed photos as “The World’s Tallest Dwarf.”
Oldest daughter Julie is the toast of the literary world this year, as her latest entry in the “Bracer Lungfish” series, “Damn, Dan! The Damn Dam!” is a rousing success. In this epic tale, the hero, Bracer Lungfish, “A short, stocky young man with a close haircut and a quizzically confounded look about him that suggests he’ll get the joke, though it may be a day or two,” continually has to outwit two local villains, “Guilty Guiltyton” or “Phat Boy”, who connive to wreak havoc in a small Michigan town. Though the hero often cuts it close, right usually wins in the end. Daughter Jennie is manager of “Smock on the Water,” an artist supply shop along the Wisconsin River north of town, while son Eric calls square dances (Our Mother says, “he does this whether there’s a dance or not”) Thursday nights at the G.A.R. hall in Boscobel.
Youngest daughter Jayne and her husband, Doug, are still employed in the Radio Show business, living in Mount Horeb but spending as little time there as possible. Relationships with townspeople have been strained since this year’s Christmas concert, when every song performed by the Kindergarten classes ended with a loud, “WHAT in the hell was THAT!” The couple’s twin daughters, Summer and Ana, were relieved to discover it was only their grandma providing the commentary; as Ana explained, “Here we thought it was Daddy.” Oldest son, Spencer, is counting the days to high school graduation, and appearing in local theatre as car salesman “Randy Randall” in the ground-breaking musical, “Hate Wore Seafoam Taffeta.”
Vivian and Rick report a joyous 2008, as Rick has won another Marksmanship Award from his employer, the U.S. Postal Service. The honor is only one of several to reach their household in the past year, as youngest daughter, Kayte, won a national mascot contest sponsored by the USPS. Her winning design, soon to appear on stamps and the side of mail trucks, is a wild-eyed Rottweiler named “Snap.” Vivian is earning rave reviews with her advice column, “Why is This MY Damn Problem!?” while Mike and Mary spend their days tending to their successful 43-acre commune in the Ocooch Mountains.
Our Fifth Child continues to set impeccably high standards for the World to follow. He is a compassionate friend to all who meet him, and he lives by the motto, “I never met a man I didn’t at least tolerate.” Wife Sandy is making a name for herself with the South Dakota Parent Connection, while sons, Preston and Tyler, amaze and delight everyone without exception, in all facets of excellence.
That, dear Families, is our look back at 2008. We wish you a blessed Christmas and an even more blessed 2009.
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