It's a made-up word. According to Dr. David Wolf, author of Relationships that Work, grungy means an unpleasant, lingering emotion. Getting mad at your kid sister when you were little, then being friends when you're older, is not a grungy. Wanting to clock her as an adult for every little thing she does constitutes as a grungy.
So I got curious. He told me you can do a consciousness-raising exercise to communicate your feelings in a non-blaming, powerful kind of way. Cool, I thought. I'm game. After all, I just finished a book that talks about choice, awareness and consciousness myself.
To de-grungify yourself, you need to do the following:
(1) share with the other person the grungy you maintain; (2) reveal to the person your payoff(s) for using this grungy; (3) commit to the person that you won't run this grungy-payoff racket anymore; and (4) declare to the person what is essentially important in your relationship.
Here is an example:
Spouse to partner: "I sulk a lot so that you'll feel sorry for me and stop being angry with me. I won't do this anymore. What's actually important in our relationship is that we create a loving, cooperative spirit in which to raise our children and set a good example for them."
Note that the spouse is not justifying the anger or other behaviors of the partner. This process is not a matter of right or wrong. Rather, the spouse is taking full responsibility for his or her contribution to the relationship. This spouse might still have issues with the partner's behavior. Instead of sulking, however, the spouse could learn a healthier, more effective means to address concerns.
Now I'm starting to feel pretty good. Because I actually say stuff like that to my husband. "I'm acting annoying because what I really want is for you to pour unending adoration all over me. Yeah. I'm that insecure." And then I get over myself. I don't promise I won't do it again, but at least I'm being consciously annoying. You've just got to love self-reflection...
