Mama's Musings

All that cryin' for nuttin'

My son went trick-or-treating for ten minutes, then came home because he was bored.

Oh-K...

So all the agony of the last post was virtually for nothing. My daughter went trick-or-treating with her friends after all. She was happy, content, and fulfilled. My son prefers to give out candy. Hmmmm.....I feel an I told you so forming on my tongue....

So here is the evidence of my adorable children on this very cold Halloween.

Worst, worst mommy ever

Reader beware. I'm in a rantin' mood.

If religion is the opium of the masses, then candy is the opium of  children. I did the worst thing a mom could ever do this morning. I cancelled Halloween.

Yesterday I purchased enough candy to cover the crowd of neighborhood kids who may, or may not, show up tonight with bags and mouths open. Living in Germany, it's a touch and go situation. You never really know how many children are going to follow the tradition. In our town we have run out of candy before, or sat on bags and bags of it, depending on the year.

I hid most of the candy at the top of the cabinet, but left an unopened package of single candy bars in the snack drawer. In all honesty, I took a little bag of peanut M&M's (my favorite!) from the candy hidden in the cabinet and snacked on them in my home office while working yet another ten hour day. It was Thursday, darn it, and I was ready to comfort myself with something other than wholesome herbal tea.

My son saw the wrapper in the trash. He was in a foul mood because he was struggling with his homework again. For the umpteenth time, he yelled at me when I calmly tried to explain math to him. None of his friends wanted to play. He was bored, and his sister was off having fun.

He was having a bad day.

After bedtime, I discovered he had eaten five candy bars from the once-unopened package. We had spent two hours going to the doctor's that week because he had complained of stomach trouble. He had refused to eat well, which is very unlike him. Thinking he might be seriously ill, I even asked for an ultrasound of his internal organs.

It turns out he had been sneaking sweets when I wasn't looking.

In a fit of disappointment, I told him it would be better for him to give out candy tonight instead of going trick-or-treating. What's the use of bringing even more candy into the house when he can't seem to control his appetite for it? Of course I felt like a heel. Who wouldn't want to have a little comfort every now and then? Wasn't he modelling my behavior in some way by eating sweets when he wanted to feel good? All I wanted was a tiny bag of M&M's. And I felt guilty for it as if I somehow taught him someething really, really bad.

And I get to be the worst mommy ever, sending her kids off to school with tears in their eyes. Except I backed down and told them they could go on one condition when they got home from school - that we sort the candy first.

Parenting ain't easy and it comes with a breakable heart. But even Mommies get to be witches, if only for a night.

What's a grungy?

It's a made-up word. According to Dr. David Wolf, author of Relationships that Work, grungy means an unpleasant, lingering emotion. Getting mad at your kid sister when you were little, then being friends when you're older, is not a grungy. Wanting to clock her as an adult for every little thing she does constitutes as a grungy.

So I got curious. He told me you can do a consciousness-raising exercise to communicate your feelings in a non-blaming, powerful kind of way. Cool, I thought. I'm game. After all, I just finished a book that talks about choice, awareness and consciousness myself.

To de-grungify yourself, you need to do the following:

(1) share with the other person the grungy you maintain; (2) reveal to the person your payoff(s) for using this grungy; (3) commit to the person that you won't run this grungy-payoff racket anymore; and (4) declare to the person what is essentially important in your relationship.

Here is an example:

Spouse to partner: "I sulk a lot so that you'll feel sorry for me and stop being angry with me. I won't do this anymore. What's actually important in our relationship is that we create a loving, cooperative spirit in which to raise our children and set a good example for them." 

Note that the spouse is not justifying the anger or other behaviors of the partner. This process is not a matter of right or wrong. Rather, the spouse is taking full responsibility for his or her contribution to the relationship. This spouse might still have issues with the partner's behavior. Instead of sulking, however, the spouse could learn a healthier, more effective means to address concerns.

Now I'm starting to feel pretty good. Because I actually say stuff like that to my husband. "I'm acting annoying because what I really want is for you to pour unending adoration all over me. Yeah. I'm that insecure." And then I get over myself. I don't promise I won't do it again, but at least I'm being consciously annoying. You've just got to love self-reflection...

Economic Slowdown says 'Slow Down!!'

The economic slowdown might just have taught us to slow down. I've heard it time and again. People don't want to rush or live their lives in haste. They want to embrace what's truly important. And that might mean listening to your child tell you about his day for twenty minutes instead of answering the phone.

I chat on the phone with my editor at St. Martin's Press for the first time today. I had to call her back after getting my son settled, my daughter off to riding lessons and a client from London on a conference call. I had the most delightful conversation with her once we reconnected. I learned she is actually from Baden Württemburg, just like my husband. The thought of embracing a mindful life thrilled her. And my book shows you how. Writing it, or as I have been saying all along, 'channeling it', has been a remarkable journey. As I wrote to a journalist friend of mine:

I cried today. Not because I received one of your moving essays, although I always do when I read them, but because I finished the final chapter of my latest book about our relationship to time.

I am in the throes of revision and review. Hopefully, I'll finish that process up in a day or two. Then I will forward it to my editor for a glance-over. I hope she likes it. It is, as my filmmaker friend said, 'my truth'.

Of Trees and Empowerment Programs

The end of daylight savings time puts me on edge, as if the sieve of our lives has been sucked away. To counteract it, I've started a personal empowerment program to look the autumnal dimness square in the eye. Part of it involves a power walk through the woods. In hopes of finding inspiration for the final chapter of my upcoming book, I came up with this:

Trees - sentries of Nature, oxygen masks of man

Okay, so with a heart rate of 140 bpm, I thought it sounded good, but since it has nothing to do with anything, let's go on with the empowerment program itself:

As a SAD sufferer who lives near Munich, Germany, I have designed an empowerment program to get me through the winter months (and to help me finish my next book, The Power of Slow, by deadline!).

Bavaria is cold -- I mean really cold in the winter time. So come October, I have to get savvy about my self-care routine. My personal empowerment program includes:

--BlueMax light that simulates sunlight
--regular exercise routine (subsidized by my health care provider – I just LOVE Germany’s health care system)
--increased vitamin intake
--regular walks outside (despite the cold, the elements keep you tough, and grateful for the indoors once you reach them!)
--hot herbal tea in front of the fire (winter is, after all, the season of lights)
-scrapbooking – there is nothing like pictures of your summer vacation to remind you the sun does shine elsewhere

A lot of European spas have saunas, steam rooms and indoor pools to keep people warm throughout the winter. My gym has an entire wellness area, the very reason I am a member. Do you have a personal empowerment program? If yes, what is it?

Top Ten Tween Unplugged Toys #2

If you like the classic game of Cranium, you will love the new CRANIUM FAMILY EDITION (About $8.50; Recommended Age: 8 and up; Players: 4 or more)

New this holiday, CRANIUM FAMILY EDITION makes holiday gatherings or even just a night at home an evening of high-fiving fun. I swear even my rather game-lazy seven year old got into it because it is active. The folks at HASBRO sent it along to us to try out. We love it! You get to act out certain scenes will the others guess. This family twist on classic CRANIUM is packed full of cross-generational fun with 16 sensationally collaborative, laugh-out-loud activities that transform game night fun into a family affair. Whether you’re tackling silly stunts like passing a Cranium cube to your mom—using only your elbows— or working with your team to spell “underpants” backwards, CRANIUM FAMILY EDITION is as much fun for parents as it is for kids!

And they actually published it

My Web letter to Rosanne Cash's piece on Palin in the Nation was posted yesterday. I had to giggle. They corrected my Italian, those smart copy editors. Brava, Ms. Cash. I really would vote for you!

Please support Public Broadcasting

We all know cable TV is for the birds so please do your part to make sure public broadcasting doesn't become chicken feed. Please support public broadcasting by calling 1-800-333-0789 if you are in North America or pledge online at www.sdpb.org any time. My pal in public broadcasting appreciates it. And I do, too!

Rosanne Cash and The Nation

Heck - I'm a thrice blogger today. Good golly, but there's so much to say! Okay, two things:

First, the American Management Association recently took a poll that revealed 39% felt it was okay to talk politics in the office. I work in my home office. You are darned right!

Second, Rosanne Cash is my hero. According to her opinion piece in The Nation, which is funnier than plaid pants on a mule, she's ready to replace Palin. In a nutshell, she can toss her cat farther and her father resembles the mug on the back of Alaskan Airlines planes. I laughed so giddily I cried.

And here's the cool thing. Rosanne sent the link to my sister personally. Yeah. Fame by association. Love it! Especially when the famed aligns so beautifully with my own political views...

It's quite a stretch - Bikram Yoga

Somebody get the firehose. It's hot in here! Bikram Choudhury, the ageless master of hot yoga also known as Bikram Yoga, taught a class in Munich yesterday. Despite the onset of a massive migraine, I fought my way through rush-hour traffic for what I thought would be a 90 minute class with Mr. Choudhury. It started promptly at 6:30 pm with the guru himself greeting us in his tight black speedo-like pants. In my yoga hot pants and Jockey top, I felt clearly overdressed.

He was nothing like I thought he might be. In fact, he was incredibly down to earth. I knew the moment I overheard him say to the reporter who interviewed him before class, "You tell your boyfriend that and you'll have the best sex of your life!", that I was in good hands. His light banter, firey insults, and charming demeanor were surprising. His rigor was not.

With forty-four other bodies, we inhaled, exhaled, sweat bombs, not bullets, and for the next three hours, stretched, groaned and applauded. It was masterful.

Afterwards, he signed his latest book, Bikram Yoga: The Guru Behind Hot Yoga Shows the Way to Radiant Health and Personal Fulfillment.

Folks, despite my doubts, I lived to blog about it. My migraine ran for the hills. And I feel healed and a thousand pounds lighter.