Mama's Musings

Alanis rules

Technology is not my friend. On the same day that my telephone went dead and the TV went blank during the most contested part of the UEFA Cup semi-finals, my iTunes wouldn't release my newly downloaded Alanis CD. Flavors of Entanglement got entangled in my playlist that just wouldn't play.

Unlike my man friends who are too proud to ask for directions, I immediately (well, okay, after some fitful tampering) emailed the service dudes at iTunes. Short of weeping, I pled my case.

Help me free Alanis from the grips of my own technological rage.

A cheery email returned, not in the predicted 72 hours the autoresponder suggested, but within minutes.

The rep felt my pain. And showed me a way with the click of a mouse and the restart button to unshakle Flavors and bring me the joy only Alanis can.

She rules. She rocks. And that on my iPod now, thanks to the grace of one rep somewhere in cyberspace!

We are the Champions

It must have been the donut. Germany won against Turkey last night 3:2. Lahm smashed in the winning goal one minute before the game ended.

The kids were so excited to be allowed to stay up for the first half of the semi-final European Soccer Championship match between two phenomenal teams last night. A collective spirit blanketed the nation. We're gonna win. We're gonna win! Because many Turks live in Germany, I felt we were on the winning side no matter what. It was a dream-team constellation.

Even the baked goods expressed the country's confidence. Sipping my morning coffee, I glanced over at the bakery window during a brief break yesterday morning. Two bright green disks, aptly named Amerikaner, smiled at me. They were decorated to look like a soccer field. Graced with a chocolate circle that read "We are the champions" How could I not get them for the kids? I bought them both.

The game proved to be instructive on many levels. For historical reasons, the Turkish population in Berlin is the largest outside Istanbul. The kids were rooting for Germany, hoping the other team wouldn't win. I told them no one could lose because we are all one. Yeah, yeah, Mom. We might be unified in your world, but for now, we're for Germany!

The game started off by each team capitan reading a short message about tolerance and racial diversity. I found it comforting in some way, as if they wanted to signal to the crowd that they were both winners, worthy of respect...and the gold.

In the end I cried mixed tears - of joy for Germany's triumph, and of sadness for Turkey. The Turkish coach almost broke my heart as he said, "I would have loved to give my people the gift of victory. For that, I am very sad."

What humility, what beauty, what truth. Sports moves us forward in more ways than one. And we can teach our children that there is much more to be learned from losing with grace than from winning without compassion.

Wings to Fly

We all want our children to grow up to be self-reliant, discerning adults. We want them to be able to problem solve, discuss pros and cons, and generally have a great life.

But they never told me I'd have to let them go in the process.

Do I sound dramatic and slightly neurotic? I don't mean to. I really encourage their independence. Want to have a friend over? There's the phone book. Want more juice? See the fridge?

Last night we tried out a new babysitter. She is fourteen and simply lovely. She is the daughter of a friend, and she is both competent and friendly. Since my husband is travelling, I arranged for her to stay until 11 pm while I attended a meeting in Munich.

It went fine.

So why did I keep glancing at my cell phone, half willing it to ring? Why did I think the kids would somehow melt like a polar ice cap without me?

They were snoring happily in their beds when I got home. The babysitter was still awake, smiling. As I drove her home, I noticed how good I felt, even at that late hour. I had walked the streets of Munich from my car to the meeting place with a new-found sense of freedom.

Sure, my children's wings will unfurl. And I may rediscover my own in the process.

Money lying around the house

The delivery man breathed down my neck this morning. Well, not literally, because I wouldn't get that close to him, but he was already here on Friday, and I didn't have the 133€ to get my package out of his hot little hands and into mine.

"I'll be back," he promised, whipped the box from my grasp, and lumbered off.

He was.

Only, he didn't have change when I presented him with 140€. I mean I was proud of myself. I had not only remember the amount I owed him, but I remembered to go to the bank to get it. A none-too-easy task during the European Soccer Championships when the streets of Munich are swept clear of sleep-deprived people watching match after match at the game hour.

So I challenged my son to find the right change (I only needed 3€). We scoured the shelves, drawers and pockets of everything in sight. Jackson happily presented me with 2€ in the nick of time. I had managed to scratch together 1,90€, which I pressed into Jackson's hand in gratitude. His eyes grew big. In his world, I gave him more money, not less. God bless him. He doesn't know the difference between more coins equalling less currency.

It made me realize what a cash-driven society Germany is. You can't go to certain places without paying with the mighty Euroback. Thankfully, there's money lying in my closet, and a pair of jeans I've misplaced somewhere. I just know it!

Hi, my name is Christine, and I'm a hyper-parent

Hyper-parenting has gotten a beating lately, and I can't seem to stop myself from reading books about it. We're bad people for putting our kids through schedule Hades. We want too much too soon before it's too little too late. We're compulsive, kid-centric morans. It makes me want to stand up and introduce myself with a tone of shame.

Dag. It's a tough time to be a parent.

A little competition never hurt anyone. Take the European Soccer Championships. I mean, Germany pulled out an unexpected win, catapulting them to the semi-finals against feared Portugal. The German 11 made 40,000 stadium spectators go wild (in a good way). How cool is that?

But when does competition become unhealthy for kids? According to Carl Honoré's new book, Under Pressure: Rescuing Our Children from the Culture of Hyper-Parenting, we could all stand to relax a little more. I really liked this book, not only because Carl's witing is astoundingly good, but also because he strikes at the heart of 21st century parenting. He quotes organizations such as the British action group Give Us Back Our Game that have launched a campaign to protect child soccer players from overbearing trainers and parents. Spend one hour on any soccer field in Germany, and you might feel the urge to found your own group.

My six-year-old son has been playing soccer for two seasons. He went from chasing the ball to actually passing it with grace. When he is in the goal, he captures most of his opponents' goal attempts (the ones he can reach, any way), and his entire team has really learned how to play - together. It's an amazing feat of which I am extremely proud. So it's a bit mind-dazzling to hear parents cat call, moan and throw tantrums on the sidelines when the little six to eight-year-olds play their hearts out and don't win.

"It's not about winning!" I want to shout, then point out how the team has melded to one unit instead. Most shrug their shoulders, then advise the next move to their kid in loud tones.

Sure, we all have ambition for our children. But isn't it more important that they have it for themselves? I guess I'm not as hyper as I thought. I'd love to relax a little, swing in the hammock and smile at my innately brilliant, radiant children cum straight-A students. It's not that easy, and Rome wasn't built in a day. I just hope we parents don't take too many punches while figuring this thing out.

Autism, Arts and Days of Our Lives

Autism seems to be a topic circling around me these days. My children are not autistic, nor are there any children I know of who have the same condition. But according to the new release, The Soul of Autism by William Stillman, one out of 150 Americans is diagnosed with it every year.

It's a stunning statistic, really, and I recently learned that Days of Our Lives head writer, Dena Higley, and her husband have raised an autistic child. He is now 19, graduated high school and will be attending college this fall. It's an inspirational story they've set to Dena's art. This summer Days of Our Lives will introduce a storyline about a couple with an autistic child.

Dena feels so strongly about it that they offered up a teleconference call on the topic YESTERDAY at 10 am PST/1 pm EST. A replay will be up 24/7 through July 18 and accessible by dialing 866/421-6936.  A transcript of the call also will be made. Let me know if you want the contact to receive the transcript.

If you've ever wanted to chat with someone at Days of Our Lives, now's your chance!

Soap opera's making a difference (besides sex education for youth and what not to do to have a great relationship?)? I'm impressed.

Cyber-bullying and other parenting nightmares

My nine-year-old has been introduced to the opium that the Internet is. Her American friend, who moved to our pastoral town a few weeks ago, showed her some cool Web sites with games and tokens and things. To the tune of $59.95 a year, she could even become a member.

Not.

So her persistent friend showed her another Web site, which is free. My argument wilted like a daisy in the July sun.

Okay, here's one for you. You can't because I use my computer to feed you. You like to eat, right?

Well, what about your laptop that you use when you travel? my daughter quipped.

Oh, you mean the dinosaur that barely boots up?

Uh huh.

MySpace has no space in my daughter's life. Yet. But I know kids, including my niece who lives in Virginia, who is rapidly being exposed to the Internet through school.

Worried about cyberbullying? You should be.

According to educator and digital expert Dr. Uma Gupta, "parents [need] to take an active role in monitoring the activities of their child on the Internet and to be prepared to take action on their own if their child is being cyber-bullied." Freedom of speech is pretty big in the United States, as well it should be since it is constitutionally protected after all. The lines blur quickly when it comes to a child's welfare. Is it okay to post mean things about someone for everyone to see? When is it slander?

I spent a good ten hours crafting a new chapter for a book I'm hoping to sell (soon). It discusses our compulsions, our poor relationship to time, and our cyberinsanity. I was hoping my kids would be spared.

It looks as though I was dead wrong.

If it's Smuckers, it's gotta be good

You know I'm always on the look out for things that benefit you, dear readers. If it's Smuckers, it's gotta be good.

Between June 16 and August 11, 2008, people are invited to submit their original recipe made with at least ¼ cup of one of the following Smucker’s products: Smucker’s jams, jellies or preserves (including Low Sugar brand and Sugar Free products) that has been passed down for at least two generations and an original 200-words or less essay telling the story behind how their recipe makes family celebrations special. Smucker will post these traditions and recipes on its Web site and sweeten one family’s next gathering with a five day, four night family trip for eight to the Walt Disney World® Resort.

To enter, visit www.Smuckers.com for full details and complete official rules.

When the Parent is the Bully

It's no longer just Buster in the red and white stripped T-shirt on the playground you have to be worried about. Parent bullies are rampant, too. Since parenting has become an Olympic sport with everyone vying for the gold, it's no wonder some people's hot-house parenting has moved beyond meaning well to being, well, just plain mean.

Derek Randel, author of Stopping School Violence, relates a story about one girl's mom yelling at his kid. After getting upset himself, he stopped to think about the three things he wants his child to learn when dealing with bullies, even if they are your best friend's parent:

Modelling - Do as I say, not as I do doesn't work in parenting. Kids do as you do. Period.

Boundaries - whether physical, emotional or sexual, we are in charge of how we interact with other people. We aren't people's emotional garbarge can and we don't have to take it, even if it's from an adult.

Self-concept - a strong sense of self leaves us feeling whole and good inside. Know who you are. Live it.

I apply these concepts daily and hope my kids won't be victims of bullies no matter what their age. With Derek's three ideas, we can go far in protecting our children from meanies, even if they are adults.

More on Derek Randel at www.stoppingschoolviolence.com.

If I had only known

Kids are great. Really, they are. And you have no idea what you're getting into when you start out. You think "My life is going to be like those Pampers commercials where the crisply dressed baby scoots across a spotless, sunlight-flooded floor, smiling with sparkling white teeth he doesn't mind getting brushed by his khaki-panted, button-downed mama."

Not.

So when Dr. Joanne Baum, author of Got the Baby...Where's the Manual?!?, offered me this list, I just had to share. Because you know I love you people, even if you're not perfect. It's a little too late for me (visions of said Pampers commercial have bled into the reality of day-to-day parenting in which I now 'partner' with my son to brush his molars so he's spared the drill at our next dentist visit. You know what I'm saying here,right?). Perhaps you'll have better luck. Here's what Joanne has to say. She's got a PhD so listen up!

What Can New Parents Do?
1.  Stop blaming the other and forgive each other for not knowing enough to discuss things earlier.

2.  Begin to discuss your childhoods, how you were each raised, what you want from each other as a co-parent, what confuses you as a parent, what are you unsure of, what frightens you, what excites you, what do you want to do differently than you were parented?  What are your expectations for family life, what do you need from each other in this new endeavor called “family.”  What kind of parenting philosophy do you want to adopt? 

3.  Listen to each other with the kinds of ears that allows you to respect what the other is saying, you don’t need to be right, or best, and you want to share ideas and figure out a parenting philosophy that works for all three of you.

4.  Admit there are not enough hours in a day or week to get all your needs and wants met, and prioritize.  See how each of your needs and your baby’s needs can be met while understanding and accepting that “wants” may have to wait – but not 18 years until your child goes to college.

5.  Figure out ways you can nurture each other and give each other important attention so the couple stays alive as your baby thrives.

6.  Have fun together.

7.  Enjoy the challenging, sometimes frightening and always wonderful journey as parents, and remember to be mutual learners together and be mutual learners with your child

8.  You don’t have to know all the answers, but you do need to consider the questions together, take time outs when you’re upset to calm down and figure out rationally how you want to react, know there aren’t any rulebooks to follow – you’ll learn as you go and if you have a partner who is willing to learn with you, you won’t feel so alone.

9.  When you take care of your baby’s needs and your baby is happy, life can be easier for both of you.   When your baby is upset or doing something you don’t like or you don’t understand, be a partner with your spouse and figure it out together. 

Dr. Joanne Baum is a therapist, speaker, parenting coach, mediator, author, and columnist.  She has authored four books including her recent book, Got the Baby…Where’s the Manual?!?  She has a private practice in Evergreen, Colorado. For more information visit www.respectfulparenting.com.