Mama's Musings

Hostage Takers

In response to Thomas Kleine-Brockhoff's blog post about Motherhood Held Hostage, I couldn't help but add my two cents. He writes for Die Zeit from his Washington Post bureau desk.

Some days when my kids are climbing the walls and I'm struggling to keep it altogether, I reply to their seemingly incessant requests with "Yes, and I'd like a million bucks and a nanny!" Okay, I won't be greedy. A nanny would do!

***

I am an American mother who, by your standards, is being held hostage in Germany. With two kids, ages 5 & 7, I work for an American company from home. Defying all categories of housewife and career woman, I believe we need to shift our thinking beyond the either/or paradigm that go us into this jam in the first place.

First -- the mental shift:

German mothers are the worst. They are the first to stamp you a 'Rabenmutter' the moment you leave for a five-day business trip. Why is this the case? Most likely, they've felt held hostage and, in an odd application of the Stockholm Syndrome, have come to relate to their hostage-takers more than with themselves.

Second -- a structural shift

The lack of adequate day care is the number one reason I work from home. There is no one to care for my children on a regular basis; and I certainly don't want to overstep my bounds with neighbors and friends who generously take my kids in for a few hours at a time when one business meeting overlaps with the children's (sorely abbreviated) school schedules.

When I tell my American friends that my children attend school roughly 3-5 hours a day, they panic. "What do they do for the rest of the day?" Scratch at my door while I have power conference calls with people eight times zones away. Yes, sometimes they do. But the organic nature of our approach leaves them feeling cared for even when I am taking care of business.

Third -- a pragmatic shift

I don't envy the working fathers of my host country. They're required to travel, work 12 hours, and attend weekend functions, too. Depending on the type of job, a working father is contractually expected to be present for his employer at least 45 hours per week (not including their commute).

You do the math.

I plead for a massive paradigm shift in which parents can work from home if they wish, but also have the infrastructure of child care to assist them to do so in a more sane manner. Working from home does not always mean you are available for your children. It's not a bad thing for them to learn their limits this way. But the stress factor often makes me question if there isn't a better solution.

A tax write-off for in-home care would be a nice start.

Nothing to eat

I've been having major Internet connection issues this week. In some ways, it has been a blessing. I've gotten more done in less time. Ah, the joys of technology!

It has been gorgeous this week, which has contributed to my unseasonably good mood. I know. Tis the season to be jolly, but I tend to be depressed with the lack of sunlight. This December we've had tons of it, and thus the shorter days have gone unnoticed.

The past two days I've strode through the woods at a fast clip, taking in the sights and smells of early winter in Bavaria. I really do live in paradise, as my mom recently stated. It's quiet. The kids are happy playing with chalk and balls outdoors, and the days slide by in the most lovely, quiet manner.

Quiet. That is what I longed for when we lived in Boston. Now we have it almost every day. Except when our neighbors have company, which they seem to do on Saturday evenigns. I've invested in a lovely box of ear plugs. I've never slept better!

My family is coming to visit over Christmas, which has added to my good cheer this year. I've bought soooo much food and beverages, yet my husband still complains we have nothing to eat.

"What is there to eat?" he whined, sticking his head 20 inches into the fridge.

"I just bought 72 euros worth of food," I growled. "But you can't eat it yet. It's for our guests!"

Poor guy. For revenge, he made me eat tofu for lunch. Yuck!

Christmas Wishes

My writer pal Bruce Kluger wrote a brilliant treatise in USA Today about the sad state of our children's playrooms today. It's not that the toys are strewn across the floor (because they are); or that there might be green fuzzy half-eaten PBJ's lurking behind the bookshelf (you know what I mean); but the fact that today's doll isn't complete without a vampish look.

I ask you: Whatever happened to Raggedy Anne?

All You magazine

My publisher sent me a scanned copy of the All You magazine article in which I appear. The topic is the words that changed my life. It's about how my mom gave me the positive attitude to succeed early on.

Jack Canfield and I agree!

Guess what I found in my inbox this morning? Jack must be reading my blog! He certainly read my mind.

Saying NO to Others is Saying YES to Yourself

by Jack Canfield

There are only two words that will always lead you to success. Those words are yes and no. Undoubtedly, you've mastered saying yes. So start practicing saying no. Your goals depend on it!

There have been great books written on the art of saying no. If you are constantly saying yes to other people, then you are constantly saying no to yourself and your goals. Ask yourself if what is being requested of you is in line with your goals, will it benefit you in some way and bring you closer to your success, or will you simply be spending your time on someone else's good opportunity?

How much time do you waste with projects and activities that you really don't want to do simply because you are uncomfortable saying no?

Success depends on getting good at saying no without feeling guilty. You cannot get ahead with your own goals if you are always saying yes to someone else's projects. You can only get ahead with your desired lifestyle if you are focused on the things that will produce that lifestyle.

Create a list of things that you want to stop doing. Then make that list into policies that you follow for the lifestyle you want to live. You don't want to let friends borrow money? Then make it your own personal policy. You don't want to do business deals over the phone? Then make it your own personal policy. It is very easy to say what your policies are, and you don't even have to use the word no! People respect policies. And it's likely that no one will take your policy personally, they'll realize it's a boundary you have set for all occasions.

Discerning when to say no gets tricky sometimes when what you are being offered sounds pretty good. But staying focused on the prize means saying no to opportunities that sound good, but not great. You could be blocking the great opportunities from coming into your life by focusing your energy on only the good opportunities!

But how can you determine what is good and what is great? You put the opportunity in writing! Look at it and decide what questions you need to ask, what kind of information you need to gather, what you would need to do in order to make it happen. Then, compare that information with what you know about achieving your goals. Is everything in line or is this opportunity leading you down a different path? Is it congruent with the purpose you are passionate about, or does it just sound better than what you are doing right now? Talk to your advisors about potential opportunities and reflect on their knowledge and expertise. They can help you think of what will be involved and they'll help you stay focused of your goal. A trusted advisor can help you see the writing on the wall, which you might not see on your own for your own excitement about the possibilities.

You might also consider talking to someone who is doing what you have an opportunity to do and weigh the information you gather against what you want for your own life. Trust that you will know what to do. Give yourself enough time to really think it through, you might say no to an opportunity that sounds good and find out that the really great opportunity was right around the corner! Or you might decide that this opportunity will lead you to an even greater opportunity.

Be brave in saying no to good opportunities, stay focused on your higher goals and let people know that you are committed to those goals. People will respect your clarity and drive.

Remember, just as you are in control of your feelings and attitudes, other people are in control of theirs, so if they do get upset with you for saying no...well that is a choice they make for themselves.

© 2006 Jack Canfield

Jack Canfield, America's Success Coach, is the founder and co-creator of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul and a leading authority on Peak Performance. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com

Nothing's More Offensive than a No!

..or is it? Having been addicted to the word 'yes' for countless years, I have recently discovered a powerful, equally monosyllabic sound with punch ...NO! It's odd, really, because I grew up in the '80s when the Reagan Years were hot and Nancy's 'Just Say No' campaign was in full swing. Yes, it was for another kind of addiction -- drugs.

'Yes' is a drug. It makes people come back for more. And if you're not careful, you'll get sucked into its grasp. And the people in your immediate and not-so-immediate proximity will keep asking until there's nothing left.

Until that fateful day when you pull the breaks and shout out the word, "NO!"

No to the bake sale.

No to the volunteer job.

No to the crabby client who thinks you're not delivering (even when you are).

No to the whiny child who screams for more and more and more toys.

No to the door-to-door salesman who has called you down yet another flight of stairs to answer the door.

People think if you work at home, you are available.

I say no to those who think that.

No, now is not a good time to call!!

A dear friend of mine recently emailed me for a few soothing words.

"Is it really okay to say 'No' to my child's school about a volunteer job in the classroom?" she asked. Now she's an intelligent woman. She went to the same Ivy League school I did. And I found myself jumping up and down to assure her a thousand ways that saying 'no' to others truly is saying 'yes' to yourself.

What does your inner voice tell you? If it's 'no', then listen.

Enough is enough.

Book Review: Homework Talk!

This book came at the right time as my daughter and I had been battling it out over homework this school year. The great thing about this book is its broad approach. Whether your child struggles with the material or with your participation in her work (such as in my case), the book is chock full of helpful tips and tricks to make homework time rewarding, not rebellious.

Divided into five chapters, 'Homework Talk! by Cheli Cerra and Ruth Jacoby advises parents on how to empower their kids to do their homework consistently. The book offers homework contracts to gain a child's commitment; checklists for both student and parent to reference; charts to juggle seemingly overwhelming schedules; and useful 'homework' for the reader to check his own progress. Admittedly, the homework section might be challenging for some readers to actually complete. But it serves as a great reminder for us parents about how our kids must feel when they're assigned homework, too!

What I liked best about this book was its conversational tone. It offered literal 'snapshots' into real-life issues and questions parents have raised to the authors who are both school administrators. I appreciated the book's thoroughness and have earmarked several pages to photocopy to keep on hand in the event my kids(and I) need a little more guidance in the future.

Mommy Rat Race

Today is the day. My sister reenters the conventional workforce after staying home with her kids for eight years. I am holding her deep in my heart. She's nervous. And she'll do so well. If ever there were an organized person, she's it. No, she's IT!

I came to the shocking conclusion that my life isn't any less hectic than a 9 to 5'er's. A paper doll taught me this.

Don't look at the screen like that! I mean it. A sweetly colored paper doll named Flat Morgan gave me cause to pause about how insane my world can be. Oh sanity, you fickle mistress! A wonderful friend of mine (Maria Bailey of BlueSuitMom.com) asked me last week if I'd assist her on her daughter's homework assignment. Having spent a good part of this year struggling with my own daughter about her homework, I aptly agreed to honor her request.

"You need to take snapshots with Morgan. Flat Morgan, that is. Then send it back. Oh, and I need it by next week." Now I've heard of Flat Stanley, the kids' project which requires the child to send a paperdoll SOMEWHERE and then get it back in time to show the pictures of what the doll experiencd. I came pretty darn close to being his host at one point. My friend backed down at the last minute so I didn't get to do it. But Maria, being the Blue Suit Mom that she is, FedExed me a package. I've gotten pretty friendly with our FedEx guy, so I told him about the project as I scribbled my name on his black machine.

"Come back tomorrow, Joe. I have a tight deadline on this one! She needs it by December 8th." Tick tock, tick tock.

When I hear deadline, I'm off to the races. Writers can't help it. They tread, trample, and truncate their own bodily needs to make deadline. Food? Nah. Next week. Water? Well, okay. But only if you place the gallon jug next to my laptop.

I snapped 27 photos in 24 hours. First with Jackson and his toys, then later in Pfaffenhofen all over town. We had a mild situation at one point. We thought Jackson had the mumps, so in between shopping for the kids' holiday wear and picking up two girls from ballet, we rushed to the pediatrician's. Oh the places we went!

At one point, Flat Morgan begged me to stop. I mean STOP. Stop running. Stop racing. Stop typing this or that.

"But stop is a four-letter word," I reasoned to the smiling crooked face before me.

"So is dead," it said.

Alrighty then. I herewith end the Mommy Rat Race. No more rushing. No more craziness. No more overachievement this year. That is, until Flat Stanley really does show up at my door...