Deconstructing Mommy

The New York Times has once again featured motherhood in its Sunday section. This time, Judith Shulevitz has dedicated her book review diatribe to Judith Warner's book, Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety. What I find perplexing is how much time the Times has spent on deconstructing motherhood, all the while criticizing those who reflect on modern parenting and how to do it better.

A lot of ink has spilled over the subject of "overparenting", anxious moms and dads who jettison their progeny to fame and fortune, from the romper room to the board room. Amongst all the voices defaming parents who care, parents are left confused and completely without direction.

Why is that?

Perhaps it is because I believe we are faced with an impossible task. Raising children in this day and age, with every media outlet putting us under a microscope, has been made a little more impossible. These aren't supportive voices who say blogging parents are narcisstics pansies, shouting for attention like their toddlers. Where else are we to go when the critical voices become white noise in the background of our lives, sending subliminal, harsh messages to obliterate our efforts?

I used to live in Boston. I was privvy to the Gymboree mamas and their three playgroups per week. I witnessed overscheduled, strung out children being pulled from one babysitter to the next. I saw stressed out parents with rings under their eyes, struggling to keep it together without losing their minds. There are people such as the ones depicted in Warner’s book. But we aren’t all like that.

Maybe that is why I am so happy to be where I am today -- nestled in a Bavarian village with little traffic and few distractions, virtually shielded from the conflicting messages that the Times brings forth. We can go to the BIG CITY, if we so choose, but we can also stay home and literally play with rocks and sticks. The kids only watch hand-selected videos (Nickolodeon -- what's that?), and it is simply easier to control outside influences. We do not live in a commune by any means. It is simple living, and it feels good.

What these upper-class Washington DC-women have in common, according to Warner's book, is a profound desire for achievement for their offspring. I'm all for teaching your kids the basic skills, and if a Gymboree class is going to do it, by golly, that's okay. Of course there are people who will overdo it. Her example of the cheering dad at the baseball field as his son approaches the plate is reminiscent of the prototype of the overzealous father who coaches Little League and has aspirations to bring the World Series to Anywhere, USA. These people mean well. Are they harming their kids in the process?

Dissecting every aspect of modern mommyhood has made me feel tense and vaguely uneasy. Working parents are viewed as overstretched machines with little imagination and even less time. The term "quality time" was coined in the 80's for this group of working stiffs. Spend 45 minutes of your undivided attention on your little one and all will be well. Drug use rose, violence did, too. What we ended up with were school shootings and a "lost generation" of characters who’ve clocked too many hours on their Atari sets. Blame is laid all too often on parents. Let's look at society for a moment.

The United States government does precious little to provide an incentive to families. People are obliged to go from the birthing room back to their cubicles in a matter of weeks. Legislation dictates people's lives more than they realize. After the birth of my first child, the issue of health insurance forced me back into the workplace even when I didn't want to. I kept a job which gave me little satisfaction. I was a working stiff, leaving my three-month-old in day care for ten hours two days a week. I felt miserable.

What are the solutions? I offer them here:

• higher family subsidies (give people the ability to stay at home if they choose)

• socialized medicine à la Canada, our Northern neighbors

• a shift in mentality -- it is okay to take time off

• the realization that workaholism is a disease

The people who report on mommy madness are more than likely working parents, too. I wonder if they’d lend their soapbox to a stay-at-home mom, or would that be too threatening to their righteousness?