One look at your daily routine and you're bound to find one or two things you habitually do that don't serve you. Do you check your emails before breakfast? Drink too much coffee? Sleep too little because you watch too much late-night TV?
According to Judith Wright, author of The Soft Addiction Solution: Break Free of the Seemingly Harmless Habits that Keep You from the Life You Want, it's the human condition: hungering for something and not knowing how to fulfill it. As a parent, I became even more acutely aware of how much we influence our children's lives after reading Ms. Wright's book. Soft addictions such as surfing the Internet for hours on end, watching too much television or overshopping are all expressions of unfulfilled needs. What we're really looking for, according to Ms. Wright, is a profound connection, love, attention or any variety of things we may not have gotten when we needed it as children.
I might take issue with blaming it all on the parents for overlooking their kids' needs. At times in the book, I sensed an undertone of blame and hurt that Ms. Wright felt herself growing up. Her own story is a prime example - she overate while watching TV to compensate for loneliness as a kid. That behavior impacted every other area of her life until she woke up one day to realize her habits were driving her down the path of unhappiness. And now she applies what she has learned to help others realize the same.
Even conscious parenting won't take away the possibility of soft addictions entering your children's lives as external influences take hold, whether it be school, friends or media exposure. Creating a solid basis with love and compassion is what counts. Anyone who has a child who bites his nails or twirls her hair will tell you it's a coping mechanism. My daughter favors playing with her mouth or sucking her fingers, especially when she watches TV. I know now that it's a self-soothing technique. It's when these habits get in the way of what we truly want that we need to take action.
Ms. Wright did a 20/20 segment in which she embraced four different types of addictions: sloppiness, nail-biting, lateness, and compulsive shopping. Her one-on-one coaching had a tremendous impact on each of the 'soft addicts'. It was most impressive to see the mother whose sloppiness was an expression of her lack of self-care. Within months, she had cleaned her entire house, started up photography again and looked so much happier.
Ms Wright formulates it best when she writes:
"How we relate to our deeper hungers and needs defines our lives. The degree to which we are aware of our hungers determins our degree of satisfaction and fulfillment, our contribution to life, our impact, and our experience of joy, suffering, peace, and love. If we deny our hugers, we miss the opportuniy to feed the deepest parts of ourselves. We come anxious, frenetic, distracted, and unfulfilled and fail to life the life we want. When we identify our deeper hungers and seek to fulfill them diretly, we create a life of MORE." (The Soft Addiction Solution, page 96).
The term soft addiction really hits home. We all know it's not good to eat ice cream at midnight. So why do so many people do it? It really is about addressing the hunger within instead of numbing ourselves through avoidant behavior. Making conscious choices is imperative. Ms. Wright doesn't claim we have to rid ourselves of our habits for good, but awareness of them and the underlying need driving them can soften their hold on us.
My son used to bite his nails. He doesn't anymore. Perhaps it has to do with his recent successes on the soccer field, or his great group of friends or his teacher. Whatever the formula is, it still eludes me.
Love of self and the fulfillment of Spirt are a mighty good start.
Indeed, anything is possible. Anything and everything, Christine! Yet it takes wisdom to understand that the potential for all things happening is not equally distributed.
